One Week

I started my Fontan to do list this morning. Not the "Things to Do in Preparation for the Preparation" That list was fairly simple and I got that done. Now it's full blown, hard core, reality check prep time. I spent yesterday compiling a daily checklist for the entire week including shopping lists, packing lists, and a detailed schedule of when to pack, wash the car, compile some freezer meals and so on. I've finished half of what I'm supposed to do today and so far haven't had any meltdowns. I think we're doing pretty good!
So now I sit here trying to continue to not have a meltdown. It helps that Olivia is excited. If she were scared I would be a mess, but the girl is seriously excited. Weirdly so. My worries about her being scared on that table are no longer worries. I know that doesn't scare her now. I know how tough she really is. And that is the biggest comfort of all.
While I am still worried about what might go wrong, I can't help but feel a little excited too. Excited in an anxiety filled way, but still excited. Olivia is almost done with her surgeries and if all goes well she won't need anything more than a cath for a long time. Hopefully a long, long time. To not have a surgery looming ahead seems like a fantastic dream. A dream I have been looking forward to for a long time. A LONG TIME. We can start planning vacations that take us further away. We can make plans more than several months in advance. We will no longer have an impending surgery shadowing our lives.
And then there's all the good that could come from this surgery. A pink little girl. The thought of seeing her pink brings tears to my eyes. If she must be one of her favorite colors I would much rather it be pink than purple. So many of the mothers I have spoken with have told me that is the first thing I will notice. Pink! Pink. A color I have never really seen on her. Even at her healthiest a dusky blue surrounded her mouth. Now that dusk is all over. When her cheeks are rosy in the heat they still have a purple tint. The color of a healthy little girl is so close and I'm so grateful.
With that color comes the energy provided by a happy heart. My heart will no longer have to break every time Olivia cries, "I can't do it." when she is walking up a hill or across a parking lot.
Yesterday I received so much peace. I sat in church, overwhelmed by the calm. Every minute was filled with whisper's of love, and hope. The scared I have felt is so small now. The panic I have been waiting for is smothered. I know the night before and the day of will be hard. I know the next few weeks will be hard. I know that nothing is guaranteed. But I know I have my Father in Heaven on my side and that's enough.