Indescribable

There are some things only a heart mom can understand. 

The first, initial, sickening shock of hearing the words, "You baby has a heart defect."

The anger at mother's talking of their unspeakable fear when their baby came home with a bili blanket.

The complete and overwhelming confusion of learning the heart's anatomy.

The complete and overwhelming confusion of learning your child's very unique heart anatomy and what they'll have to do to try and make it work.

The mourning of all the things you won't experience (the first family picture in the hospital bed, holding your baby seconds after birth, nursing etc.)

The mourning of all the things you will experience.

The way your insides are torn apart the first, second, third, forth, fifth time you hand your little one over to the anesthesiologist. 

The shock of seeing your child after surgery.

The miracle of seeing your child after surgery.

The twist of your heart when your baby tries to cry out, but can't because of the oxygen tube.

The miracle of hearing those first, weak cries when the tube is removed.

The way songs, new and old, take on a whole new meaning and make it onto your heart music list.

The heart mom bond.

The ever-present worry.

The watching the rise and fall of a little chest in the middle of the night.

The extra snuggles you force on your heart baby every time another one receives their wings.

The wondering. Did we make the right choice? Is she going to make it? Is this the right doctor, hospital, place for her?

The special bond you form when fighting every minute for their life.

The miracle of each milestone and birthday.

The miracle of your little one's strength.

The millions of every day miracles that remind you that the occasional hell of it all is worth it.

Olivia is at preschool right now. She is doing well. She is happy. But another mother is remembering her angel boy who received his wings two years ago today. Others are with their littles in-patient fighting infections, recovering from surgery, and having surgery. And another mother, who recently reached out to me, is just starting this journey. I am one of those who doesn't have to say, "I can only imagine how you're feeling." Because I know(for the most part.) I often wish I didn't. But more often, I am so incredibly grateful that I do.

What I am feeling this morning is indescribable. Perhaps it is the appointment tomorrow. It's probably the friend who just found out she is a heart mom. It's probably the reminder of all those things felt during that first year. It's probably the contrast between now and then. I remember feeling helpless. I remember constantly praying, saying, "I can't do this." And the response. "Yes you can." I don't say that anymore. I finally believe the response. I know I can. Just like I know this new heart mommy can. Sometimes the only reason we can do it is because we have to. Because the only other choice is unacceptable. But after so many, "We did it"s we find that there was strength there too. Sometimes its our own strength. Sometimes its our loved ones. Sometimes its our God's. Sometimes its our heart heroes. Sometimes its the hundreds of fellow heart moms. Its every one of these miracles that gives me strength. So, no matter how hard this journey has been and will be, I am grateful. For the strength, for the miracles, for everything my Livie teaches me. My life is hard. But I love my life.