Things I'm Tired of Hearing

I have a lot of wonderful support. A lot. Great friends, family, and even strangers have offered their help and love as we've been dealing with Olivia's stuff. For that, I am incredibly grateful. But, sometimes when people are trying to be helpful/comforting things are said that just aren't. This is not to attack anyone or say that I'm ungrateful but I would like to address a few things I've heard that aren't that helpful for me and possibly others going through similar issues.
1. "You have to be positive!" This is the absolute most difficult for me to hear this time around. And the one I have heard THE MOST. Anytime I mention being scared, or the "what ifs" or mention Olivia's bucket list, from friends, family, basically everyone, I get the "You have to be positive."
When I hear that, here is what goes screaming through my head, "How dare you have feelings about this! How dare you be scared! How dare you worry about the nightmare that has affected so many of your heart mom friends!" When people tell me to be positive it makes things even more difficult for me. It makes me feel guilty for the moments I slip into negativity. It makes me feel guilty for every minute I'm scared (and yes, it's every minute though it's not so bad that I can't live life.) It makes me feel guilty for being practical even. We have discussed whether or not to have Ella come down to the hospital should a goodbye be necessary. "You have to be positive!" Sure, but I have to be practical too. That's not a decision I want to make during heartbreak. So we've made that decision already. And just a side note, our bucket list isn't meant as a "Before you die" bucket list. It's a "before the rest of your summer is spent recovering from OHS" bucket list.
"You have to be positive" is just not helpful. The truth is, my child will be sliced open, cracked open, and a man's hands will be rummaging around her tiny chest. Her heart may be stopped while they work (during the Norwood it was, during the glenn it wasn't and I don't know what they do for the fontan. I can't find anything that says one way or the other either.) She'll have tubes and lines going every which way. I won't be able to snuggle my snuggler for a good chunk of time. And she will be in pain. Considering all that and more, I'd say I'm being damn positive. I'm not a blubbering mess, I'm functioning fine, and I'd say my stress level is completely ordinary considering. So, if you find yourself tempted to say, "be positive" just remember, commanding me to not feel doesn't help. It's not comforting. It's just frustrating.
2. "Trust in the Lord." Mostly this one bugs me because, I already do. It's not comforting when my convictions are questioned. If you want to comfort me, taking the religious route, than by all means do. But I'd much rather hear how we've all be been blessed during the trials that come on this heart journey. Or that you put our names on the temple prayer roll. Or I'd love to hear about the blessings you've received by knowing Olivia. Or the blessings you've noticed in our life that we may not have noticed. Those are the things that prove we're not alone and hence, are the most comforting.
3. "If you need anything, just ask." I know, this one is weird so let me explain. I don't like asking for help. It's hard for me. It makes me feel awkward not to mention I don't even know what to ask for. Do I ask for people to come clean my house when I need? Do I call people to come give me a hug when I need one? I dunno. I don't know what help to ask for. You know how you hear those stories about friends, visiting teachers, or family just showing up with exactly what is needed? Yeah, I've totally prayed for that before. That's how bad I am at asking for help. I ask my Heavenly Father to ask for help for me. I have gotten a little better since a friend pointed out that by not letting others help me I was depriving them of the blessings one gets by serving. So I am better but only with my close friends (close in heart and distance.) But for those who are far away or aren't my close close friends and want to help, I probably won't ask. Really, it makes me even more stressed out. So, if you want to receive some of those special service blessings, do what you feel. For me, for others. It doesn't matter who you want to serve or support. Finding something that you can do is fairly easy in my experience if you take the time to really listen to them. Without making someone ask what they need you can figure it out and help because I know I'm not the only one who has a hard time asking for help.

I am incredibly grateful to all those who support us. I understand that each and every time I've heard any of these phrases it was out of love and support. These phrases don't create resentment towards the sayee and even though the words themselves haven't been helpful tips they have been proof of the love and support we have. For that I am incredibly grateful. But maybe, pointing out these unhelpful phrases might help us in supporting others who might struggle more with these phrases than I do.