Ready or Not

I do believe I am in shock. I can't decide if I should sigh with relief that we finally have a date or cry or scream or go binge on chocolate. Until I decide how to react emotionally I will get proactive and make up my to-do list. Not on here though. I know sometimes I ramble and it's not that entertaining but I won't bore you with my check-list.
So, July 14th, here we come. We will head down to Salt Lake on the 13th for Olivia's pre-op stuff. We will start holding her aspirin on July 6th (since it's a blood thinner.) We will spend the next few weeks prepping.
And as always, after my informative section, I must journal.
It still doesn't seem real. Even with a date. I guess that's the shock. I almost feel like because I didn't immediately break down crying I have become desensitized to all of this. I remember several years ago when my younger brother was having chest pains and they thought it might be his heart (it ended up being GERD, poor kid...adult I guess.) But I was terrified. Then a friend's little boy was diagnosed with HLHS and I thought, "I could never do that." Cue the lightning strike. And here I am, doing just what I thought I never could without that same terror. But really, it's not that I've gotten used to this. I haven't grown accustomed to handing my child over to strangers who can care for her better than me. Part of what's holding back the tears is denial/shock. Part of it is the comfort I've been praying for over the past few months. But most of all it's the past three years of fight I've seen in the little human who is currently mad at me for not giving her gum. This is just one more battle she will win. I will keep reminding myself of that over the next month. I will keep picturing a pink Olivia and an Olivia who can ride up our street as well as down. I will keep picturing an Olivia who doesn't say, "I can't do it," when walking across a parking lot. I don't know what will happen, but I've seen Olivia overcome so much already. If she can be strong, I can too.