Tender Mercies

I was raised to believe in miracles, to believe we are not alone, to believe that if we have faith our loads will be lighter. I was raised to look for the small moments, examples, and "coincidences" that are proof of something greater. I was raised to be able to take on the challenges of life and come through them with a strength I didn't realize I possessed.
Over the past several months, as we've been waiting and scheduling and canceling and planning, I lost some of that faith. It seemed as though nothing was working out. It seemed as though, around every corner, there was a small hiccup. Calls that never happened, illnesses that postponed procedures, epic games of phone tag, insurance issues, and the list could go on. I would get one issue resolved only to run into another. The anxiety was starting to rule the night and any small daily discomfort or problem would cause me to lose my temper or melt into a puddle of snotty tears. I would spend my nightly prayer begging for that feeling of calm I had after Olivia was born, when I knew everything was going to be fine. I begged for patience to endure and the strength to do what was needed. And every morning I would wake up with that little bit of patience I needed but that calm wasn't there yet. I was feeling alone and scared. I was feeling some bitterness, anger, and resentment. I was fine during the day, but at night these emotions would come flooding. And then today it changed.
Olivia woke up at 6 demanding to come sleep with me. We snuggled and slept and I knew it would be a good day. We woke up, got ready, and went to town. We picked up some flowers for our garden and stuff for Olivia's hospital quilt. We came home and got the mail. Two small packages were all that were in there. One that contained Olivia's surgery packet, and one that contained mine and Andrew's comic con wrist bands. It's funny how something so simple can affect you so much. For me, it was the "You are not alone" that I needed. A packet that would normally shove me into my dark place was padded by a packet of excitement and fun. But that wasn't enough.
After the mail, I planted my flowers and of course, that always makes things better. Then inside to check my email. I got a notice from insurance. Ella has been without insurance for a couple weeks due to some paperwork issues (not ours, but theirs.) Needless to say, with it being summertime and the way she plays we were stressed. Now would not be a good time to pay for a broken arm. But that notice informed me that Ella's paperwork had been fixed and she was covered. So I sat down and started writing this.
Some people might call this all coincidence, but too many things fell into place today and the feelings within me tell me these are tender mercies. These are my own little miracles. I have been asked to raise and take care of my beautiful girls. I have been called to be a heart mom, the most difficult calling I have ever had. At times I wonder why God thinks I am strong enough for this. I wonder how I will ever be the mother I need to be for Olivia. Self-doubt consumes me and I worry I will fail both my children. And then, in one day, one beautifully simple day, I am given proof that I am not alone in this. When I doubt, when I am weak, I can find my strength in the mailbox, in my flowers, in the beautiful brown eyes and dimples of the bravest girl I know. My God has not forgotten me. Instead of angels with fiery swords to fight my battles, He sends friends, family, neighbors, or a brave little girl to help me be brave as well. Instead of magnificent miracles that would be written into scripture, He sends me small, everyday miracles. And all at once, that calm I have begged for, the peace and comfort of His presence that I have been searching for is there. I know I will continue to falter at times. I will grow comfortable and lazy. I will forget. But with those simple miracles, those tender mercies, He will remind me and I will be able to keep going.

*Since I wrote this several hours ago, we received another little treasure vis UPS. There's a little charity called binkeez for comfort in which they send minky blankets to sick children. I requested one for Olivia a while ago not knowing if she'd get one. She wasn't guaranteed one but today, it came and she was thrilled. While life may be stressful, it can also be so sweet and touching. I will post pictures soon.