On My Mind

This morning I made the call to PCH scheduling. After waiting two week for them to call last time and never getting it, I decided to be proactive this time. Probably a good thing too because Dr. Pinto still hadn't sent in the order. Which means I still can't schedule. I don't know if this is a particularly busy time of year or Livie is just falling through the cracks or if this is just something Dr. Pinto does. Who knows? Who cares? I hate the waiting, but having to do some work to get this ball rolling keeps me occupied and that is always a good thing.
So while I wait, and roll the ball, I thought I'd share some thoughts.
Let's start with Facebook comments. As I've posted my rather lame updates over the past while, we have received an outpouring of love. Pretty wonderful, but I get the feeling people think I'm falling apart. All (positive) comments are welcome, of course. I am not bashing anyones comments in any way. I love them. I just get the impression that some people think I am not doing well over all of this. So I would like to tell you exactly how I am doing in case you are worried about me.
A quick background on heart mommy emotions. I, and other heart mamas, win a permanent seat on the emotional roller-coaster. We each ride our own version with varying lows and highs, dramatic plummets and horrifying twists, thrilling butterflies and moments of pure elation. This is a roller coaster we will never get off. I say win, because I can guarantee that every single heart mommy I know would say their heart hero is the best prize they could have ever received.
So, now that you know a little more about how my emotions work with all this heart stuff, I would like to say, I am fine. In fact, I'm doing great. I am coasting along, enjoying this slow part of the ride. Yes, there have been a few small bumps and dips in the track dealing with getting things scheduled and being in surgical limbo. No, I have not been pulling out my hair, losing my appetite, bursting into tears, or any of those other symptoms of high stress you can think of.
I know some big lurches and terrifying dips are coming. I know things may get very hard very soon, but I also know that no matter what happens, Olivia will be fine. Whether she's fine in my arms or her Heavenly Fathers. I hate that thought, and I try very hard not to think it, but I know it's true. And because she will be fine, I will be fine.
So, right now, I don't need your prayers. Olivia needs your prayers. I am fine. I am doing well. I have sent my child to heart caths three times already and open heart surgery twice. I know I can do it. Olivia doesn't remember heart caths or open heart surgery. She doesn't remember mommy handing her over to strangers who will hurt her to save her. She doesn't remember waking up swollen and miserable. She doesn't remember that mommy's voice is the only thing that calms her when she's sedated and groggy. She knows what's coming (we've been talking about it and preparing her for it as best we can) but she doesn't really understand. I feel like everything will go smoothly for her surgery, but the thought of her being afraid, in pain, and wondering why I let them do this to her is the only thing that reduces me to tears. Whatever happens is supposed to happen and I will accept that, but I have a hard time accepting her fear and confusion. So, I ask for your prayers, not just for her life, but for her peace. If she can be brave then I will be too.
Thank you for all the prayers. Thank you for all the love. It is felt.