Bits and Pieces

I just wanted to share a few new happenings and special moments we've had over the past couple days really quick.  I know you are all probably thinking I blog entirely too much and can't possibly be taking care of my children :)  Don't worry.  I am.  It's nap time and lately if I do happen to nap I wake up feeling worse, so instead of being productive on this supposed stormy day (not much snow here) I thought I'd share.
We'll start with some big steps forward.  Tuesday was just a horrible, terrible, no good, very bad day for me.  I spent a good portion of it crying.  Nothing major but I was due for a breakdown seeing as I hadn't had one in a few weeks.
Wednesday totally made up for Tuesday.  I did Ella's monthly post with that lovely rant about potty training being an epic failure.  I really was at my wits end.  Two hours after that post, Ella peed in her potty for the first time.  I can't even express how excited/happy/proud I was.  I made sure Ella knew how excited I was and she, too, was so proud of herself.  We left her potty full so she could show daddy when he got home.  I'm sure daddy was thrilled that we saved it for him.  Ella is still working on knowing when she needs to go but she's at least catching on how to hold it.  She'll have a tiny accident but then hold it 'til she can make it to the bathroom so while we're still going through undies we're no longer going through pants.  The only major accident she's had in the past couple days was during nap time.  Can't blame her for that one.  Ella keeps asking me if I'm proud of her.  It's so sweet.  Then she tells me she's proud of me.  Not sure what for.  Could be since I don't have accidents or maybe just that I've made it through this year so far in one piece.
After Ella's success in the bathroom we had another success on the Olivia front.  My baby girl rolled over, finally!  On Tuesday she rolled from her tummy to her back but I wasn't sure if it was a fluke since we had positioned her so that it was easier.  But Tuesday night Liv rolled several times, without the help of our positioning her.  Still from tummy to back.  And to the right.  She's rolled to the left once.  She's technically not behind what is expected but she's behind Ella for sure.  Ella was fairly mobile at this point.  Not crawling but rolling, sitting, and scooting.  Not that I'm ready for a mobile baby but I'm certainly pleased that she's once again proving that those dr's can't tell her how she'll progress.
These girls are so incredibly special to me.  That's what every mother says, right?  But it's true.  Especially after everything we've been through this year.  I do say year because we found out about the defect January 20th.  Ever since then life has been hard to say the least.  But never so rewarding.
Last night an awesomely giant thunderclap woke me up around 4:30.  I went to the restroom and once I laid back down I knew I wasn't going to be falling asleep anytime soon.  While I was tired, I had just lost the groggy feeling.  I laid there for a little while then decided to check Liv's feeds to make sure they were full.  Turning on the hall light woke Miss Liv up and she just stared at me for a second while her eyes adjusted and then smiled her big dimply grin at me while flapping her arms.  Lately, I swear she's trying to fly.  Since she was up I changed her bum and we played for a bit while she refilled the diaper.  We had to wake Andrew up for that one...that was a lot of poop.  After all was said and done Liv did end up needing more milk so I got some thawing and while waiting went to go check on Ella.  I sat next to her bed, she woke up for half a second wrapped her arm around my neck then went back to sleep.  Then it was back to Liv.  We cuddled for a bit while she played with my hand and then it was to bed.  I laid down only to get right back up to a crying Ella.  Once I got in to her room I asked why she was crying.  Her response, "You weren't sitting right dere anymore mommy."  I laid down with her and we sang some primary songs together and then she began asking about Heavenly Father and Jesus.  She told me Jesus wasn't with her and she wanted to see him.  I then explained that that warm feeling in her tummy and heart was Jesus.  Her response to this, "I need to go in my tummy to see Jesus."  After explaining a little more about Jesus sending happy feelings to her rather than living in her tummy she said "Heavenly Fader and Jesus are dancing in my heart mommy.  Like flowers!"  I melted.  I love her innocence and sweetness.
Big surprise here, but lately I've been reflecting on this past year.  Each day when I do my facebook "I'm thankful for" status I try to decide which of the million things I should write down.  It's kind of impossible and of course I'll never be able to status all my blessings.
I'm so incredibly happy right now.  We made it through the second surgery, Liv is on the road to normalcy, Ella's potty training progress has also made her happier and nicer, Andrew's work is starting to slow down a bit, and I feel like I am finally somewhat in control.  And now that I'm settling into my happiness and getting over the stress that has been life this year I'm realizing just how crappy this year has been.  Looking back at photos I feel sick to my stomach.  Did I really do that?  Going though it I was surprised at how well I was handling it.  I still am surprised at how well I did.  Yes, I was stressed to the max.  Yes, I wasn't my usual self.  But I managed to stay off antipsychotics so I'd say I did pretty darn good.  I can't quite explain the feelings I get now as I look back.  This past year is a blur.  All like a bad dream.  When I passed out right after Olivia was born I had, I guess, what you'd call a dream where I gave birth to a heart baby.  Then I woke up and it was true.  That's kind of how this year has been.  Except it seems more real?  I don't know.  I love looking at pictures of my girls but looking at some of Liv's post-surgery, especially post-norwood photos is just so hard.  I want to raise Liv to be proud of those photos.  There's an awesome quote a heart mom shared.  Elder Holland said this when speaking with Stephanie Nielsen from Nie Nie Diaries.  "As we talked, he told me to be proud of my scars.  'We look for Christ's scars because they are evidence of what he did for us.  They will be the first thing He shows us when we see Him again.  Your scars tell a story too.  Although they may not make you feel attractive, they are a witness of a miracle, that God blessed you to live, and that you have accomplished very difficult things."  I want Liv to be proud of what she's gone through.  In her first 5 months she went through more than most people do in a lifetime.  She should be proud.  I'm just going to have to get over my whatever you call it.  Illness? PTSD?  My emotional scars.  I don't know.  But if I want her to be proud of those photos and her scars I need to be proud of them too.  I need to be able to look at the photos and be proud of what all our family survived.
It's going to be hard getting to that point.  I probably never will.  Not completely.  I'll always feel a little sick looking at those photos.  But if I can get to the point where I can actually look at them I'll call it good.  Often when my heart mama friends are giving other heart moms words of encouragement or pep talks they'll say "You can do hard things."  And holy crap!  I can!  I don't want to do hard things but gosh dangit, I can.  There will always be worry and uncertainty.  I'll never feel completely at ease in our new life.  But I get so many wonderful moments with these girls.  The hard things are all worth it.