Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome

If you want to know all the really technical stuff I'll leave that to the medical websites. To sum up the problem, the left side of Olivia's heart has not formed correctly. The left side of the heart is what sends oxygenated blood through the rest of your body.
Some families in this situation opt for no surgeries and let the baby die. Andrew and I talked very briefly about that option and it was no question that if she was meant to die then she would just have to do it without our help. We're not going to sit around and watch our kid die when something can be done.
So here's what we're looking at. I will be induced around 38 weeks at University hospital where they will have all sorts of specialists around making sure everything goes well. I shouldn't have to have a c-section. Olivia will then be put on a medication to keep a valve open that normally shuts after birth (more technical info I'm not going into right now.) She will be transferred to Primary Children's shortly after where she will have her first surgery, which will be open heart. Before her first surgery she will be given her nutrients intravenously. So as I suspected, I will not be able to nurse. I can, however, pump and we will begin to store up milk. After surgery she will have a tube inserted through her nose down to her intestines and we can feed her my milk that way. Not ideal but better than nothing. Recovery time after this first surgery should be about a month if all goes well. Survival rate during this surgery is about 75% The second and third surgeries are at 3-6 months and then at 2-3 years old. Their recovery time is about 2 weeks and are less difficult.
At this point we are still absorbing information. We are surprisingly calm but still emotional. Our little girl will be able to lead a pretty normal life but will get tired faster than other children. Due to her surgeries, hospital stays, recoveries etc. she will most likely be slower to develop than most children. Both physically and mentally. They mentioned she might turn blue from time to time which does not make me feel very secure but it's something I will learn to deal with. About 50% of these children have their own heart still by age 5. That means the other 50% have a transplant. This part is really scaring Andrew right now. The part I'm having the hardest time with is the fact that I will probably outlive my baby girl. I made the mistake of asking how long was normal for these children to live. Average was early twenties. I know that a lot can happen in medical advancement in 20 years since they've only been able to "fix" this problem for the past 15-20 years but it's still scary.
There's so much going through my head right now. (Which means I'm in journal entry mode and I will probably crying while typing this so beware of mispellings, random thoughts, and emotional outbursts.)) How am I going to take care of this little one? I feel so inadequate. How am I going to take care of Olivia and not neglect Ella? How am I going to ever be able to say good bye to my baby?
I know I can do this. Because I have to. I've already gotten the unwanted pep talk about "the Lord knows best" and all that jazz. I don't need that pep talk. I don't need to be told that medical advancements are happening everyday, and as long as I pray it'll be fine, and and and. I KNOW all that already. This is not something that will make me waver. This isn't something that will tear me down. This will simply reinforce what I already know and teach me a few more lessons. I am already more mindful of the time I have here with my family. I am even more grateful for my eternal family. No matter how short a time I may have with Olivia I know that I will have an eternity with her later. I know you should never ask the "why me?" But mine aren't negative. I just keep thinking "Why do You think I'm strong enough to take this on?" "What did I do to deserve this special little someone?" or two special someones for that matter. I feel extremely flattered that the Lord has asked me to do this. I still wish He didn't trust me so much but I'll do what He's asked. I have all my friends. I have wonderful inlaws who understand what I'm going through. I have wonderful parents who will give me all their love and support. I have my sweet little Ella who will take care of her baby sister. And I have Andrew. I couldn't have chosen a better man to do this with. All tough and manly, but when it comes to his girls, he's all goo. And of course I have all my friends, siblings etc.
We asked you all to pray and though we didn't get good news today I know those prayers were answered. The reasons for my bursting into tears randomly isn't because of despair, or fear. It's because of the calm. I feel my Saviors arms around me now, more than ever. He knows what I'm going through and He's going through it with me. He fills me with the reassurance that I can do this. He is the only reason that I can say "I'm fine" and not be lying. I've never considered myself a strong person and so I know that the only reason I am fine is because of all the prayers on our behalf. We are so grateful for and to all of you.