Unsure

I fully expected this to be a short post. A simple "It's a girl!" Unfortunately life rarely goes as expected.
Our little Olivia Dawn has a heart defect. I have never been more scared in my life. Andrew and I left for the ultrasound excited and eager to find out who would be joining our family. We never expected that anything would be wrong. The ultrasound started out fine other than her awkward position. The girl has her legs above her head and we could not get her to move. But her brain looked good and her limbs looked good. The tech just couldn't get a good view of her heart. He could see the two major valves but because of her position he couldn't see anything else. He finally had me use the restroom, jump up and down and then we tried again. The girl still hadn't moved so he went and got the Dr. I'm realizing now he was seeing something wrong. The two of them kept looking and finally the Dr. sat down and told me there was a defect. Where there's usually a cross in the ultrasound showing all four chambers of the heart there wasn't one. He explained that they'd send me to Primary Children's for a fetal echo (Feb 3). He also explained that until then we won't know if little Livy will need surgery after birth or if she'll even make it here.
Andrew has taken the rest of the day off work and we've spent the last couple of hours crying. Currently he's out raking leaves to work off some of the emotion. I'm, of course, on here trying my best to make sense of all this. I was so worried for Ella's ultrasound. So worried that something would be wrong. For our little Livy, it never crossed my mind to be worried. I was just so excited. So excited to find out who was joining our family. So excited to put a name to the little thing kicking inside of me. Now, all the daydreams I've been having over the past 20 weeks are impossible. Holding my baby for the first time probably won't be seconds after she's born. I may not be able to feed her her first meal. I may not get skin time after her first bath. I know the Lord knows best and he knows what we can handle but recently a friend posted a quote on facebook by Mother Teresa that sums up how I feel pretty well. "I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish He didn't trust me so much." At this point, with not knowing exactly what we're dealing with, I feel utterly and completely lost. Thoughts are running through my mind a mile a minute. I keep picturing my little angel in a casket or at best with a giant scar/stitches down her little chest. But then I try to be positive and picture my two little girls in princess dresses meeting Mickey Mouse for the first time. Then that starts the cycle all over again and I start crying because what if I never get that chance. I think about the other day when Cyndi, Andrew's younger sister and one of my best friends, mentioned that my father-in-law said he would be the next to die. He had said that he would never bury another child (Andrew had a stillborn sister) but what if he has to bury a grandchild. At this point there are so many "what if"'s. The dr. that talked to us said that it wasn't anything that I did to cause this. That hearts are such an intricate organ. That none of this was my fault. But I can't help but feel that if I had just resisted that pepsi, or been more diligent about taking my prenatal before I was pregnant, or or or. Or maybe I just jinxed it since I wasn't worried about this one. I know the dr was right and I didn't do this to my baby but until I can make sense of all this I know I'm going to continue having these thoughts.
No matter what happens, I at least got to know my Livy during this ultrasound. She's stubborn for sure. She had lots of room in there but refused to stretch out. She wanted to be curled up with her feet above her head. The tech tried moving her down where there was room and still, she want to be curled. This makes me think she's a snuggler. She's like her mommy and likes to be curled up all comfy cozy. And she's such a girl. Just like her big sister. During the whole ultra sound our little Livy had her sweet little legs crossed. The perfect little lady. And modest too. To see that she was indeed our little Livy to tech had to do a lot more jiggling to get her to show us. Most important was that stubbornness. While it may come back to bite me in the butt during her teen years, I'm praying that it's what gets her through this.
The next two weeks will be filled with prayers and tears. I ask you all to pray for our little Olivia Dawn. If you have the chance, please put her name in at the temple. Logan temple is closed and won't open til next week sometime so we won't be able to til then. Thanks.