When Hard Times Come

Sometimes it all hits at once.  This past weekend was on of those.  I won't go into too much detail but my car broke down, my key wouldn't work to get into the house so I had to climb through the window, etc.  But I spent last night stewing and stressing.  All these little things going wrong are stressing me out.  How wonderful is that?  No, I'm not being sarcastic.
Olivia turned 27 months a few days ago.  That's 27 months with an amazing little girl I wasn't sure I would ever get.  I don't know why this feels so significant this month.  27 is an odd number to feel is significant.  But for whatever reason I do.  Maybe it's that two years ago Olivia was in the hospital for two and a half weeks fighting something that had killed a little boy days before we arrived.  Maybe it's that this past weekend all these little things hit and I stressed and realized I've been through so much worse.  Maybe it's that I spent the weekend introducing my parents to the music that I listened to over, and over, and over during Olivia's first year.  Whatever it is, Olivia's 27 month b-day is turning into a very poignant mark for me.
27 months of beautiful brown eyes, gorgeous dimples, an easy smile, stubbornness, feistiness, screaming, laughing, playing, snuggling.  27 months.

I watched this video today.  I know, for most of you it's long and boring.  A baby with the hiccups.  Big excitement right?  But there's no scar down her chest.  This video was taken on June 4, 2012 at 5:28 am.  After I took this video, I held this baby in my arms for two and half more hours until they came and told me it was time.  I then walked next to Olivia's bed, holding her hand as we wheeled her to the OR.  I stopped at the red line and said good bye to my baby, knowing that her heart would be stopped, knowing that when I saw her again that perfect little chest would bear the sign of a warrior.
That was the hardest moment of my life and the best.  That was the moment I put every ounce of trust I had into a man with steady hands and my God.  That was the moment Olivia's life was saved.
I sit here writing, a sleeping two year old in the next room.  This morning we watch Winnie the Pooh for the thousandth time.  We had cookies and potato chips for breakfast and snuggled.  Livie flashed her new favorite cheesy smile at me, scrunching up her eyes and flashing her little binky-buck teeth.
The future still scares me.  I still feel like I need to fit in as many memories as possible.  It doesn't matter that Olivia spent all weekend running and playing with Grammy.  It doesn't matter that her scar has faded into a thin white line.  It doesn't matter that she "look so good and healthy."  The future will always scare me.  And so I live day to day.  I live from dance party to tea party.  From Winnie the Pooh to Toy Story.  I live from Popcorn Popping to I am a Child of God.  
Olivia's free laughs and easy snuggles fill me to brimming with joy.  Watching her and Ella play doggies or kitties brings tears to my eyes, until I licked.
If I use one word to describe Olivia it would be "vibrant."  Bright and energetic.  Lively and sweet.  She makes my life spectacular.  With each new word she learns (she is now doing three word sentences!) With each new goofy face she pulls.  With each new personality quirk.  Sometimes I think I miss our once typically normal life.  But celebrating her 27th month, I don't.  I love every moment, even the scary, sad, and horrible I have had with this girl.  I am looking forward to another 27 months.