Echo

I feel like I've been hit by a truck.  You psyche yourself up and keep thinking it can't be as bad as you really think it is.
Here is how my last couple of weeks have been.  "She's acting fine, eating great, heart rate where it should be, playing like a maniac.  Yeah, she goes blue fast when playing.  Yeah, her sats aren't where they should be.  Yeah, I have this horrible feeling in my gut that has been helping with my portion and pant sizes.  But it can't be that bad.  Can it?"
Oh yes.  It can.
Today was Olivia's echo.  I slept horribly last night, felt sick the whole way down to her appointment, and had knots in my stomach the entire time we were there.  Normally I'm a cool, cool cucumber at these things.  Even when Olivia was having her open heart surgeries I was more calm!  I chalked it up to my anxiety issues over the past couple months.  But now I'm realizing my mommy senses have been tingling and the unthinkable is being forced into my thoughts.
Here's the rundown.  We got to PCH and got going on stuff.  Olivia's sats were excellent.  I sat there thinking, "Great, these people are going to think I'm that crazy mother who makes stuff up about her sick child just for attention."  But they didn't.  She satted beautifully all through sedation (which never happens) and other than the expected bloody murder screaming during the party with the IV team Olivia did excellent throughout the whole thing.
Dr. McCandless came down to chat as per usual after an echo and said the echo was reassuring.  She did her own little examination of Olivia and said her liver seemed a little bigger than last time.  What does this mean?  Blood flow might not be good.  The blood flow out of the heart isn't great which means the blood flow in isn't great and somehow in all the mess the liver gets bigger.  So a cath is needed to check the blood flow.  So what does this mean in regular people speak?  Possible heart failure but she doesn't want to freak us out needlessly.  I asked about function and Dr. M said some images looked the same and some looked decreased.  So I'm a little scared.  Then we take Olivia up to same day to recover from sedation, where the only way to wake up the little stinker was to play a video on my phone of Ella.  Olivia immediately opened her eyes and started looking for Ella saying, "El-la-la-la-la"  It was super cute.  Then we hop on back down to cardiology to say bye to Dr. M because she's moving to San Diego (because losing our surgeon in July wasn't enough, we had to lose our card too.  I feel like someone is taking away my woobie!)  She comes to say goodbye and says she took a second look at the echo.  Olivia's liver got her worried so a second peek and sure enough, decreased function.  Cath for sure asap.  So I'm a lotta scared.
Yes, I cried like a crazy person once I got out to the car.  Yes, I have been crying intermittently throughout the day.  Yes, we haven't been told for sure, without a doubt that Olivia is in heart failure but I sure as heck feel like someone punched me in the gut while stomping on all my dreams.  Don't ask me what the plan is.  Aside from the cath, I don't know.  One thing at a time.  Don't ask me what caused it.  CHD caused it.  That's the best I can give you.  I'm trying not to go to the dark place where hospital living and heartache hide but it's hard at times.
During the hard scary moments where my mind wanders I try to gain control and think of the blessings.  To help me remember: Olivia's sats were great there but have been not great.  Tender mercy that sent us to echo before possible failure could turn into something super scary?  Best heart friends in the world who have spent all week talking me down, giving heads up, or just making me laugh.  Dr. M will be with us through the cath and will be there to get a plan.  And has said we should come visit her in San Diego (heck yeah!)  I have the sweetest, happiest, chubbiest heart baby in the world who has already defied odds and loves her mommy and daddy and big sister.  The most kissable cheeks in the world lie sleeping in the other room waiting for morning when she'll stand at the foot of her crib and squeal "Mommy!" over and over until I come "fe-fi-fo"-ing into her room when she will dive onto her pillow and giggle while I paw at her through the crib slats.  I'm so incredibly super scared but I am also so incredibly super lucky to have her now.
I know I've asked you to pray for us so many, many times and I'm sure some of you have stopped since it's grown quiet on our end of things (and I don't blame you) but I ask that you start praying again.  We love you all and are so grateful for the love you've given us.