One Year

One year old.  What a crazy, amazing, scary, and wonderful year.  We have all grown more spiritually than I thought was possible in so short a time.  Olivia has brought new perspectives into our home, has taught us what it means to be strong, and has brought so much love into our home.  I once wrote that I wished the Lord didn't trust me so much with sending me such a special girl, but I honestly wouldn't change a thing.  

At one year old Livie is really growing and learning.  We won't have her one year stats 'til Thursday but she's still chunky as ever.  Liv is cruising more along furniture and will stand on her own.  The Saturday before mother's day she tried it for the first time and held her hands above her head like she was the coolest thing since whipped cream.  She is doing a lot more mimicry which has been a ton of fun.  Liv waves,  pretends to talk on the phone complete with a "e-oh"  She pretends to eat, she shares her binky, food, anything really.  She pretends to sneeze (think daddy has bad allergies?)  When Liv is done eating she likes to pick up her food and throw it on the floor.  If I don't clean it up quick enough she will go into the kitchen later and eat what she threw down.  

Olivia had stopped eating last week and then I figured out it was just because she was NOT going to eat baby food anymore.  Once I gave her dinner with us, problem solved.  Livie loves Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, watching the video of her first giggles, playing chase with sister, snuggling with daddy, and smiling for everyone.

Olivia LOVES her daddy.  As soon as he gets home she wants to be picked up.  If he doesn't right away she is NOT happy.  If he goes to use the restroom she'll crawl after him and sit outside of the bathroom and cry til he's done.  

Olivia is spoiled.  And she knows it.  She yells at us when she doesn't get her way.  At this point I'm thinking it's more of a personality thing rather than us ruining her since we try really hard to treat her like a normal baby.  She's just stubborn and wants what she wants, when she wants it.  

Liv is one amazing little thing.  She has shook our world in the best way possible.  I would do it all again for her.  She is so beautiful and sweet.  Stubborn, yes, but sweet.  I am the luckiest mama in the world.

Today has been a lot harder than I ever expected.  I didn't expect it to be hard at all.  I just thought it would be happy and exciting and good.  It is all those things of course.  I'm sitting here while Livie is chasing Ella around the furniture.  My living room is filled with the giggles of my two girls.  So what is it that's hard about today?  Honestly, I'm not sure.  

Maybe it's just a matter of things having been bad and now they're good.  Maybe it's just that I'm scared of things being bad again.  Maybe it's just reliving everything.  It's probably a combination of a million different things.

I Hate to burst some bubbles, but for those who think I handled it all so very well, you are so very wrong.  Some blog posts are total lies.  Some posts are upbeat and positive but there were times I felt like I was drowning and so utterly alone.  But I didn't want anyone to know.  I shoved it all down deep where no one would see.  

Over the past few months I've been working on dealing with it all.  I'm no longer required to stay strong through surgery and feeding issues so I've been able to take some me time and have been writing.  It has helped so much but a few of those emotions keep bubbling up.

In case you're worried, don't be.  The time to worry about me would've been last summer.  Yes, today has been harder than I thought.  Tomorrow will be too (her actual birthday.)  But the wonderful thing is, what's hard today and tomorrow is small and simple and I can be distracted by those wonderful giggles.